August 21, 2010

How To Eat A Mango: A Photo Ass-ay

It has come to my attention that nobody knows how to eat a mango.  There are so-called experts on these internets who tell you to carve a grid on an upturned cheek, then turn the skin inside out and slice the dices onto a receiving bowl.  No.  This is like chopping a baby up before you send it to a receiving blanket.  You don't eat a baby that way.

The Definitive Guide To Eating A Mango
Written & directed by the Mandarin Menace :::
Starring my good friend @thatadamguy :::
Many thanks to the big sweet juicy organic mango from Rainbow Grocery :::

2 clean plates
1 sharp knife
1 dessert spoon

Steps 1-9 must take place at the kitchen counter.

Step 1.  Wash and towel-dry your hands and the mango.  We must practice good hygiene at all times.

Step 2.  Slice off two fat cheeks as close to the pit as possible.  Do not saw.  Use a plate instead of a chopping board in order to capture the juice.

Step 3.  Transfer the two cheeks to a clean plate.  Set aside.

Step 4.  Then, still keeping the mango upright, tightly follow the contours of the pit and slice off the remaining fruit to create two long strips.

Step 5.  Hold each long strip in a smiley-face position, and eat right there as you would a slice of watermelon.  Smile.

Step 6.  Now back to work.  If you did Step 2 correctly, there should be some clean, non-slippery real estate where you can grip onto to pin the pit down.  Hold the pit firmly and scrape off as much fruit as you can.  This part takes some practice. After 10,000 mangoes, you will have acquired a functional level of proficiency.

Step 7.  Whatever you failed to scrape off in Step 6, you are now going to inhale.  Put the pit into your mouth and suck.  DO NOT USE TEETH.  SOMETHING WILL INVARIABLY GET STUCK.

Step 8.  Pick up the plate to mouth level, and use a spoon to guide all the fruit to your pie hole.

Step 9.  Lick the plate.  Use tongue.  (It should now be apparent why we insisted that you clean the mango in the beginning.)

Step 10.  And finally, you wash your hands, take the two cheeks that you have previously set aside, and go sit down somewhere and pretend to eat like a civilized person.  Use a spoon.

~ The End ~

The product placement is inadvertent.
The model has a ton of Google swag.