October 16, 2011

Portable Potables

I never venture far from home without a water bottle.

Now I must digress.  Unlike most women that you see walking down the street, I don't covet or carry oversized leather handbags.  Anything wider than one's ass is superfluous and not an efficient or humane use of cows.  Furthermore, a large bag will often hinder shoulder and arm movement, resulting in compensations that adversely affect gait and posture.  The men who want to date me may breathe a sigh of relief to know that I find this Gucci bag expensive, pointless, and ugly.  This Sherpani Luna cross-body bag (alternative link), however, has won the @twiddlebells seal of approval, and currently occupies a prominent spot over my door knob.  Made of 100 percent cotton canvas and sporting compact dimensions of 9.5" x 10.5" x 1.5", it is quite perfect for short trips around town, and the maroon-gray color scheme plus "LOVE" printed art perhaps will soften the "fuck-off" aura that I try to project when I run my errands.

Thus my quest for a water bottle that sleekly and discreetly fits in my bag.  And what I found was a douchebag that functions like a penis - a 0.5L Vapur foldable water bottle in the smokey color of "smoke."  Vapur bills itself as the Anti-Bottle, is free of BPA, and claims to be ultra durable.  It appeals to me primarily because of its relatively flat shape, plus its foldability and freezability.  I went to Rainbow Grocery, which sells everything that you need - and no, you don't need meat - to look for a stainless steel flask (that one might use to sneak alcohol into a football game), but when I saw the Anti-Bottle on display, I became inceptioned with the bag-within-a-bag idea.  I could fold this thing and not have to put it in a tray for the TSA.  I could use it as an ice-pack if the decade-old bag of frozen peas in my freezer finally got eaten.  Plus, I now get to make douchebag jokes.  When full, the Vapur bag stands erect; otherwise, it withers like a weenie.  The sports cap allows for a satisfying flow, unlike some other designs that make you suck water out one drop at a time.
A bag that stands erect.
Just like any big iron ball would.  

The downside of the Vapur bottle is that it is not a hand-job but a hands-job.  First, you have to pull hard to remove the outer cap.  Then, you have to pull on the sports cap to unplug it, so pretty much you have your dirty fingers all over the drinking surface.  Most significantly, if you hold the bag and angle the spout as you would a rigid water bottle (in the traditional cock-sucking position), the rest of the Anti-Bottle goes limp on you.  The water is below the fold.  If you know how gravity works, you'd realize that fluids aren't going to spurt into your pie hole.  You will have to use your other hand to hold the other end up.  Which will cause your steering wheel to become unattended.

Needs Viagra.
Other than that, the Vapur bag is probably the most douchey hipster item that does not actually annoy.

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